Julie & Julia & Toxic Relationships
We need to re-examine a classic film…
Like many of us, when presented with the opportunity to revisit a classic and beloved film — Julie & Julia — my partner and I settled in for a cozy Friday night movie. Upon running into the familiar title while scrolling we both exclaimed “Oh I love that one!” Neither of us have seen the film in a decade and since we are in our 20s, that made the film a childhood classic. Much to my surprise, however, this film may have taught young girls like myself some dangerous values.
As the film began, I ran through my memories of the story and characters. I looked forward to the next couple hours of what I remembered to be romance, dream-following, and butter — lots of butter. Sadly, I was met with a different reality (except for the butter part).
The good — Julia & Paul
Much to my relief, the Parisian romance of Julia and Paul Child was just as I had remembered it. Now, I can’t claim to have any degrees or expertise in the field of relationship psychology. I can only provide my observations and analysis based on experience and the wise words of my own therapist.
This being said, Julia and Paul seem to have a remarkable relationship for the time. There is an unmistakeable tenderness between them that is punctuated by Julia’s exclamations of excitement. Paul is supportive of her adventures from the very beginning and shows genuine excitement for each new development in the cookbook saga. Although we should keep the context of time period in mind, it must be noted that there is no consideration of Paul making a career sacrifice for Julia’s endeavors. However seriously the cookbook was taken, it was no match for the demands of Paul’s job.
The idea that the woman’s career aspirations should take a back seat to the man’s is a lesson to be wary of teaching our children. In the case of Julia and Paul, I believe the situation was presented with a level of awareness by the film creators that at least made an effort to convey that the principle was outdated. The viewers were candidly shown Julia’s sadness to leave Paris and Paul’s guilt over the decision. We also see Julia’s visits back to Paris to discuss the book and her determination to complete it.
While Julia and Paul’s relationship does deserve critical analysis and the breaking down of some outdated traditions, it was presented well within the time period. I do believe that at the core we can see mutual respect and a beautiful gentleness between the two.
The very bad — Julie & Eric
In my memories, Julie and Eric had what seemed to be a regular relationship. I didn’t remember a clear bad guy — in fact I didn’t even remember them fighting.
Upon rewatching the film, I was aghast at the dynamics of the relationship and even more so at the idea that my childhood self watched this film and saw nothing wrong. I saw the lack of emotional awareness, lack of communication, and explosive outbursts as something normal and expected. While this certainly says something about my childhood home, I believe it also says something about what was presented to those of us who watched these classic films growing up. Even at 10 years old, I thought that an Eric was the best I could expect. Just like Julie, I too should condone his behavior and be the one to apologize in the end.
Much like the well-deserved criticisms of classic princess films, it is the reunion with the man that completes the woman and gives her validation for everything she’s already been doing herself. How dangerous is this?
I’ll be clear here — it’s not the case that Eric is a terrible person. In fact, I know many people quite a bit like him. He doesn’t exhibit the dramatically abusive behaviors that would cause us to write him off immediately. However, in terms of the messaging that this conveys to young people watching the film, his character is even more dangerous. After encouraging Julie to take on the project of cooking every recipe, and scarfing down months of gourmet french cooking, he calls her self-obsessed for her disappointment at the cancellation of an important guest for dinner. His outburst is framed as though we should empathize with all that he has had to put up with from Julie over the last few months. However, the worst we saw from her in the film was natural frustration and emotional release (none of which directed at him).
He then leaves in a huff and presumably goes to stay at a friend’s. At this point Julie stops cooking for a while and lays in bed crying. She leaves countless messages on his voicemail saying that she misses him and how sorry she is and this is the point at which I knew I had to write about this film.
The message here is really, genuinely terrible.
Sure, there are two-sides to everything and Julie is not completely free of responsibility — I am not saying this is black and white. However, I do stand strongly behind the opinion that the presentation of their relationship, break, and reunion is deeply problematic to those who are still learning what adult relationships look like.
To any young people, especially young female identifying people reading this (I won’t flatter myself into believing there are many) — there is nothing wrong with becoming invested in a project, feeling frustrated or down, or needing a reasonable level of support from a partner. Julie was valid in her feelings and so are you — it doesn’t make you self-centered to be disappointed when you’re let down. In addition, please don’t think that an Eric is the best you can do. He was clearly frustrated at her success and the care she had for her project — perhaps even a bit jealous. He’s valid in feeling this way, but that isn’t an excuse for taking it out on her and just walking away. The context of his actions are important, but context is not an excuse for the actions of an adult that are not okay.
Yet, traditionally women are expected to accept this behavior from partners, be a caretaker, put our own needs and feelings aside, feel guilty, and ultimately apologize to get them back. This is exactly what happens in the film and Eric’s glorious return is punctuated by his oh so eloquent “what’s for dinner?” After hundreds of voice messages and apologies to Eric, Julie is then happy and complete and her life is back on track. Ugh. How lame is that?
I was left confused as to what she was even apologizing for let alone the lack of evidence as to why Eric is somehow a prize. It’s not that every empowered woman needs to be single and leave men in the dust. It’s fine for her to love him but that doesn’t mean she should do anything to get him back, apologize for not really doing anything wrong, and need him to live a fulfilled life.
So, here’s my alternate ending:
After leaving in a huff, Eric calms down and introspects on some of the internal factors contributing to his behavior instead of simply blaming Julie. He gives her a call and asks if they can talk. She tentatively agrees because she loves him, but does not want him to think that she condones his behavior. They have a deep and honest conversation about their feelings and take ownership over their own behaviors. Eric apologizes and Julie empathizes with his feelings. Maybe she takes him back and maybe she doesn’t… it doesn’t matter. She finishes her project, lands a book deal, celebrates with friends and family, and has a fulfilled life of her own fruition. It was never about Eric.
Maybe if I, and many other young people, had seen more endings like this in our classic childhood films we would have a more ingrained sense of internal validation. Maybe as an adult woman I would have had a much easier road to learning that I don’t need a partner to live a full life, that my accomplishments stand on their own, and that if I do want a relationship I can do a heck of a lot better than an Eric.
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Source:
[1] Mark, Laurence, Nora Ephron, Amy Robinson, Eric Steel, Scott Rudin, Donald J. Lee, Dana Stevens, Meryl Streep, Amy Adams, Stanley Tucci, Chris Messina, Linda Emond, Mary L. Rajskub, Jane Lynch, Frances Sternhagen, Helen Carey, Deborah Rush, Joan J. Buck, Vanessa Ferlito, Casey Wilson, Jillian Bach, Ann Roth, Alexandre Desplat, Stephen Goldblatt, Julie Powell, and Julia Child. Julie & Julia. Culver City, Calif: Sony Pictures Home Entertainment, 2009.
